What to do When Work-Life Balance is on Tilt

We strive for work-life balance, but it’s a myth. Even worse, it assumes that there is such a thing as “balance” but we never achieve it, so we must be doing something wrong. We feel guilty because we’re always on tilt. We lament, “Why can’t I find balance?”

Here’s a different perspective on work-life balance that is more achievable and something that you can start today.

First, let’s dispense with the myth of work-life balance and replace it with a more attainable goal: work-life quality. What’s the difference? Work-life quality is based on your energy level, not your accomplishments, or the absence of conflict, or how much you are pleasing others. Work-life quality will differ for each person, depending on your personality, your circumstances, and what drives you. For some, that might mean working 60 hours each week; for others, it might mean not working at all. The measure is not output; it’s energy. You want to feel fabulous.

Work-life quality is about listening to and following your energy, It’s about bringing into your life more things that are “energy up” for you, and managing out or limiting the things that are “energy down” for you. It’s a process, rather than a result. As you manage your energy, you will feel a little better each day, resulting in a more sustainable lifestyle.

How can you better manage your energy to improve your work-life quality? Here are three approaches that my clients find particularly effective:

Set boundaries. Often times, we say “yes” too quickly, and we find ourselves doing things that sap our energy. “Can you stay a little late?” Happy to. “Can you do me a favor?” Gladly. “Can I ask you a favor?” Of course! The moment we say “yes” regret sets in. You think, “I jumped the gun. Again,” or “How did I end up here?”

Next time, before you respond, “No problem!” to someone’s request, pause and ask yourself if you really want (or need) to say yes. This is critical, because for every “yes” you give, you are saying “no” to something else. After all, you only have 1440 minutes each day. It’s a zero-sum game. If you use up minutes doing one thing, then you can’t use those minutes for something else.

Setting boundaries requires ruthless prioritization. As Warren Buffet said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” Saying “no”, however, can be hard, especially if you are being asked to do things that you really enjoy. Like a kid in a candy store, you need to pick and choose. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

To make setting boundaries easier, use a “filter” that you can use to make decisions quickly and consistently. In his book “Will it Make the Boat Go Faster,” for example, John Fisher, the coach of England’s 2000 Olympic gold medal team, admonished his athletes to ask themselves one question before making any decision: “Will it make the boat go faster?” If the answer was “yes”, then they did it; if the answer was “no” then they didn’t. Should we go out for beers on Friday? Will it make the boat go faster? Should we sleep in this morning? Will it make the boat go faster? Etc.

If you have no “no”, then you have no “yes”. Set boundaries and you will keep more energy instead of having it sapped by people, tasks, and events that leave you listless and exhausted.

Follow your energy

I sometimes start my coaching engagements with an exercise I call “What Feeds Me & What Bleeds Me”. Everything we do impacts our energy. If we’re “energy up” we feel better, we make better decisions, and others get the best of us every day.

To do the Feeds Me/Bleeds Me exercise, first, make a detailed list of all of your daily tasks. Next, categorize tasks as energy up, energy neutral, or energy down. Finally, use these categories to determine how to use your time and energy.

Energy Up: Individuals and teams that are “energy up” perform better, so spend more time doing these tasks. If possible, do these tasks early to set the energetic and emotional tempo for your day.

Energy Neutral: Decide how important these tasks are. If they are critical or important, then you need to continue doing them. If they are less important, then you might consider moving them to the “energy down” category for treatment.
Energy Down: You want to remove or minimize energy down tasks as much as possible by employing the three D’s – drop, delegate, or divide.

Drop – Identify tasks that are not absolutely necessary and drop them like a cheap date. We often do things that we think others expect or appreciate, when, in fact, they go unnoticed. Save your time and energy. If others notice, then you might pick these up again, or renegotiate them. My mother-in-law, for example, used to iron my underwear. Why? I dunno. But I can say that it was not a good use of time.
Delegate – If there are others who are better-suited to specific tasks or are “energy up” about tasks that are energy down for you, then delegate them responsibly. Some people, for example, love working with spreadsheets and numbers, whereas others find them as exciting as watching paint dry. Additionally, there are some tasks that you can delegate so that others can grow, like attending meetings, doing briefings, or going to conferences.
Divide – If you are carrying an energy-down burden, then you might split the task, and it can make the load easier for both individuals. Anyone who has been an Uber mom, or an Uber dad has experienced this. “You pick up the kids on Monday and Tuesday, and I’ll pick them up on Wednesday and Thursday”. Divide and conquer.

Make a Decision

Indecision sucks energy. If you feel stuck and you find yourself continuously mulling over issues, then try making a decision. Now, this doesn’t pertain to all decisions, but for any decision that can be undone, it works. Once you make a decision, then one of two things will happen: Either you will realize that you made a good decision, so you are energy up, or you will realize that you didn’t make a good decision, and you’re not energy up. If it’s the latter, then you have two choices: make your decision right or make it again. One of my clients, for example, decided to stay in her current role rather than accept a new job. Subsequently, her company did a reorganization. She wasn’t sure if she had made the right decision, and she was spinning with indecision. It was affecting her sleep. After talking through the pros and cons of staying after the reorg., she decided that she would commit to her new team and make it work.

Conclusion

Rather than living on tilt with work-life balance guilt, learn to set boundaries, follow your energy, and make decisions more consistently. You will feel better, be more productive, and have more energy to support your colleagues, family and friends to be happier, healthier, and more productive. That’s work-life quality.