Are you Poisoning your Power?

Negative emotions are the puffer fish of feelings.

Puffer fish is a delicacy in Japan. It’s also poisonous – about 1,200 times more than cyanide – and each year, around 50 Japanese die from eating it. Negative emotions are the puffer fish of feelings. If we take them in, they can be toxic; if we choose to swallow them, they can be lethal. So, why do we hold on to negative emotions? Why don’t we just do like Elsa, and let them go? After all, harboring negative feelings is like taking poison, and hoping that the other person will die.

It’s all in your head.

To understand why we hold on to negative emotions, we need to understand how they arise. Are they real, or do we just convince ourselves that they are real? Negative emotions generally come from our programming – our cultural, family, and life experiences since birth that shape the way we see things. Objectively, our programming is not right or wrong, but in our mind, it’s right. Why? Because we all suffer from what psychologists call “confirmation bias” – we see things that reinforce our beliefs, and we filter out things to the contrary. If I believe, for example, that my wife is a bad driver, then I will notice those times when she makes mistakes, like when she ran my new Porsche into a curb. But I am less likely to see the many times that she avoided an accident or other mishap.

Confirmation bias is not based on facts, rather, it’s all in your head. If you believe that you’re right, which most of us do, then you feel justified in your anger, resentment, or other emotion. If you’re right,
then there’s no reason to let it go. Right? We can get stuck in our “rightness”. And, to make matters worse, we rehearse. That’s right. We play the conversation, the moment, the wound, the hurt, and the trauma, over and over, until we drown ourselves in a sea of justification. I’m right, damn it! If we do this long enough, it can lead to resentment – a word that originates from French “ressentir”, re-, instensive prefix, and sentir “to feel”; from the Latin “sentire”. To “resent” something then is to re-feel it over and over. In other words, we re-wound ourselves. Have you ever experienced being “love-sick” or depressed, or ill because of how someone has treated you, and you mull it in your mind, over and over and over, until you can’t sleep? It’s a self-inflicted wound. And, it sucks.

The Art of Letting Go
Feeling bad takes a toll on your humor, your happiness and your health. It’s easy to say, “just let it go”, but have you noticed that the more you try to let it go, the more it sticks? So, how do you “just let go”?

This Buddhist parable offers a glimpse:

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young, beautiful woman also attempting to cross. She asked if they could help her cross to the other side. The two monks glanced at one another and hesitated, because they had taken vows not to touch a woman. Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and continued on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened! After rejoining his companion, he was speechless. An hour passed without a word between them, then two, then three. Finally, the younger monk could not contain himself any longer. He blurted out, “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The older monk looked at him and replied,
“Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

Letting go is a choice. It’s simple, but it’s not easy, because on some level, by holding on to our resentment and anger, we get a payoff. We feel superior to the other person, or we get to hold a
grudge, or bad-mouth them, or make them feel bad. And, sometimes we do it because we are so used to doing it that its automatic. We've always done it that way.

Whatever our need is, we hold on, because we choose to. I know; that’s hard to hear. The first step to letting go then, is to choose to let go. Rather than carry our pain, we can gently place it
down, and continue on our journey.

So, you made the choice. Now what? Here are a few time-tested ways to “let it go”. Try any or all of them and see if you don’t let go and feel better faster.

1. Forgive, but don’t forget:

  • Focus on what you can control: What someone else has done to you is subject to two indisputable facts: (a) it’s done, and (b) changing it is beyond your control. Rather than trying to convince them of their error, you can start by focusing on what you can control You.
  • Forgive yourself. By forgiving yourself for getting into a painful situation or making a regretful decision to trust someone, you create the space for a new start. Forgiving yourself
    is a powerful step to letting go.
  • Remember the lesson: We learn by making mistakes. These lessons aren’t “bad”, unless we make them bad. There are two mindsets we can adopt when it comes to creating our story
    around an experience: a “fixed” mindset, or a “learning” mindset. If we have a fixed mindset, then we believe that we are victims of circumstance, because we “are the way we
    are” and that, if we fail, then we are a failure. Alternatively, we can have a learning mindset, which is understanding that we grow as we learn. Would you criticize a toddler for falling
    down as she learns to walk? No. So why criticize yourself for making a mistake along your life journey? Mistakes are simply part of the process of growth. Take whatever lessons you
    can learn from the experience – with gratitude to your “teacher” – and move on.

2. Forgive the other person. It’s not for their sake; it’s for our sanity. We can set ourselves free from their mistake. On some level, they were managing the best they could. Whether it was an
over-bearing parent, a cheating partner, an incompetent colleague, or a misguided teen, each person is coping as best they can. Sometimes we get hurt. As the Buddhist’s say, life is pain;
suffering is optional. Don’t continue to “re-sentir” the negative feelings. Let them – and the other person – go.

3. Go Hawaiian: The Hawaiian’s have a lovely tradition referred to as Ho’ponopono – a simple, yet powerful, way to forgive another in service of restoring harmony to life. This process has been applied for centuries by the indigenous Hawaiian shamans, called Kahunas, to solve conflicts among members of the local communities. It was part of an ancient healing art of reconciliation and forgiveness to support, correct, and restore relationships. To complete the Ho’ponopono process, simply close your eyes, picture the other person, and repeat the following mantra each
time a thought or feeling comes up that you want to let go:

  • I’m Sorry
  • Please Forgive Me
  • Thank You
  • I Love You

Try one or all of these approaches to letting go, until the weight of your negative emotions lift, and you feel lighter and more complete with the other person.

Reclaim your Power
When we repeatedly play a negative story or feel a negative emotion, we give away our power. While we are busy draining our own energy, the other person isn’t likely aware that we are obsessing over
what they have “done” to us. Why should we give them the power to ruin our day? Just because someone serves you a Puffer fish, you don’t have to eat it. Reclaim your power by letting
go. Next time you find yourself swirling in a pool of negative emotions, stop and try one of the techniques above. Imagine the focus, energy, and peace, you will feel as you return to harmony with
yourself.

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