Have you ever been in a situation where you were talking with someone, and they treated you well to your face, and then, afterwards, they bad-mouthed you? This kind of passive-aggressive behavior is toxic in the workplace and devastating in personal relationships.
Story Time:
She was across the table, sitting in a puddle of tears. My heart swelled with compassion because I really wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. “It will be OK, Sweetie,” I said, as if I were comforting my daughter. It was a difficult moment. Jan thanked me for the support.
Three months later, Jan gets fired. On her way out, she sends a scathing letter to the Head of Human Resources, throwing her boss – and me – under the bus. One of my offenses – I called her “sweetie”. In a Woke world, that was a cardinal sin. I got fired, too.
Tough Situation indeed. How then, can you deal with passive aggressive people? Here are three tips that my clients have found useful:
Avoid Them
I once heard someone say that the first rule of karate is to run away. True? I don’t know, but you get the point. Karate is for defense, not offense. Likewise, your best defense with passive-aggressive individuals is to avoid them; don’t engage. Seasoned military leaders won’t fight unless they know they can win. With a passive-aggressive person, you don’t even know if you have an enemy, as their tactics can be very stealthy. That’s why avoiding them might be your best strategy. But you might ask, “How do I avoid them, if I have to work with them?” Good question, which brings us to tip number two.
Be Transparent
Transparency is your friend. You see, the problem with passive-aggressive behavior is that it’s, well, passive. If someone is in-your-face aggressive, it might not be pleasant, but at least you know where you stand and who your “enemy” is. If you feel that someone is messing with you passively, it’s important to determine first whether they are aware of their behavior.
It’s estimated that upwards of 90% of our daily thoughts and actions are unconscious. We’re on autopilot. Added to the stresses of everyday life, it can lead to blind spots; sometimes massive ones. So, be as transparent as possible by checking with the other person to see if they are aware of their behavior and their impact.
How can you be transparent? If you ask a question, you’ll never be wrong. For example, if you’re standing in line at the bank and someone barges in front of you, you might say, “Excuse me, were you aware that the line starts here?” Most people will apologize and get behind you. If they don’t, you can try one or two more questions before going to DEFCON 1. Perhaps they might have an emergency situation, and they are so distracted that they didn’t even hear your first question. Being diplomatic before being direct is frequently a more successful approach. For some people, however, a cosmic 2×4 is needed to get their attention.
Tap Others or Tap Out
If avoidance and transparency don’t work, then it’s time to tap others for help. You need to move from diplomacy to directness and escalate the issue. Your specific situation will determine how you approach this. For instance, in our bank line situation, you might simply call on a teller or the bank manager to rectify the situation, if it’s important to you. If you are at work, then you might have a conversation with the other person and your supervisor or Human Resources. This is an uncomfortable situation, so you need to be comfortable with the discomfort. Just remember to have the conversation with someone else in the room; otherwise, it’s your word against the other person’s, and those conversations don’t typically end well.
If the issue is not important to you, then you can decide to just let it go. Tap out. As mama always said, pick your fights carefully. If you do this, be aware that “you get what you walk by” meaning that by allowing bad behavior, you are condoning it, so it’s likely to happen again. With co-workers and the like, generally, this is not a good idea. But if you’re not going to see the person again, it’s not a bad option. After all, why should you let someone else ruin your day?
Passive aggressive behavior can be challenging and complex to manage. Now you have three tips that you can try help manage such situations more effectively. As for Jan, I tapped out. I won’t have to work with her again, so I decided to take my mama’s advice.
